It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
