Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
