Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize