it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
