So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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