I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
