How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
