she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
