is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
