I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
