I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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