1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
