He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
