Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
