So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
