ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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