I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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