Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
