I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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