So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
