There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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