I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
