He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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