think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
