you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
