oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize