what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
