I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
