Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
