its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
