So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
