There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
