The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just had sex on a roof
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
