i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's always time for handjobs
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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