bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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