I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
