She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
