just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it hurts more in the daytime
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
