I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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