and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
