He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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