he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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