My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
