and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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