Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
