True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
