fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
