he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
