I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
