I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
