shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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