Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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