I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
