cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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