anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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