if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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