She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
